Confessions From An Adoptive Mom: The Raw Truth

Warning: If you want to hear the easy, “rainbows and unicorns” version of what it’s like to adopt, you need to check out another blog. If you are up for hearing the raw, unbaked version of what it’s like to be a parent of two adopted kids… read on.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight my husband and all 3 of my biological kids were gone, each having their own set of plans. It was just me and my two adopted kiddos left at home. Even after almost 6 years, interactions with them alone with them can be awkward or difficult or both. I confess how easy it would have been to just set them up in front of a movie downstairs and watch my own movie upstairs: lovely, quiet night.   

God intervened and I managed to choose an interactive and fun activity with them:

Bake chocolate chip cookies.

My adopted kids have never baked them before. Why? They have been around long enough. Maybe it is the attachment relationship struggles we have wrestled with since day one with my daughter. Or all of the mouthy-ness and blatant defiance my son has been steeped in these last 6 months. Frustration after frustration and I find that I don’t want to be close to them, physically close enough to bake. I lack the patience and drive to find intentional one on one time with them. They are so hard to be around.

Tonight we baked.

He measured the flour and cracked an egg. She mixed in the sugar and cracked the other egg. God, I beg You for strength to keep my mouth shut.  Despite my instructions, my daughter ejected the beaters 3 times in a row before she figured out to push the button forward to turn on the mixer. God, help me to stay calm and be patient.  My son spills more flour on the counter than what is caught in the measuring cup. Uneven scoops of dough rolled across the pan and landed on the floor.

The cookies are done. No one lied or stole. No one sassed back at mom. No one pouted or rolled their eyes. No one sabotaged the event. We stood close together and even giggled once. We got the job done. Together.

And I paused: thank you God so much for this gentle and kind interaction with them!  We have so few moments without a battle and argument. This is a "God sized", huge feet for an adoptive mom who desperately wants to love her children that reject, fight and stay at a distance from normal signs of care.

Tonight the house is warm with love and filled with the sweet aroma of hope from the best cookies we have ever made, together! 

How to Find Rest in a Busy Day?

He climbs in to the bed and slinks his tiny little body right next to mine. It doesn’t matter that we had been frustrated with each other the night before. All is forgotten and it is a new day. He gently places his little head next to my shoulder and snuggles close. He grabs my hands and creates a rhythm as he squeezes it to let me know he is there.

Squeeze. Squeeze. Shuffle. Shuffle. Squeeze.

Shuffle. Squeeze. Squeeze. Shuffle.

His eyes are shut but his body is in motion. Constant motion. He cannot rest.  Does he know I am his mom and I will help take care of him? Isn’t that knowledge enough to quiet his soul and allow him to sleep?  I will do everything I can to make sure he has all that he needs. He can rest, assured he is not alone and he does not have to worry.  I roll over and whisper, “Be still, my son.”

In all honesty my eyes are shut too; my body is not moving but my mind is in constant motion. In the wake of my son’s movements I begin to calculate the day’s events and strategize the family schedule. Plotting and planning how to get everything done.  I cannot rest. Then, suddenly, in the quiet of the room I am reminded of the TRUTH.  Just like I will do for my son, God will make sure I have all that I need to get through the day. I can rest, assured that I am not alone and I do not have to worry. My Heavenly Father whispers to me, “Be still my daughter, and know that I am God.”

That knowledge is enough to quiet my soul. Today I will rest in God.

Prayer: Thank you Lord for Your gentle reminders that you care for each one of us. There is no need to fret or worry… You have everything under control. May we receive Your peace to help us get through each day… especially the busy ones! Amen.

Image source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/87743403/vinyl-wall-decalbe-still-and-know-that-i

Every Child Matters: A Story Worth reading

 It has been awhile since I have written in my blog. I apologize but today I had a story I thought was worth sharing. I work for a Christian non-profit organization that fights against world hunger called Feed My Starving Children (FMSC). You can come to any of 7 different permanent sites to help pack food specifically designed for starving bodies; the food is shipped to 70 counties around the world.

We also have MobilePack events; these are packing events hosted by churches, businesses or groups of people that want to help pack food at a location other than our permanent sites. This weekend I worked at a MobilePack event in Naperville; the goal was to pack one million meals in two days. Here is just one highlighted story...

Sitting at the labeling tables was a mom with two young children. The child on the inside of the table was a beautiful little blonde girl busy labeling bags on her own. The other child positioned at the end of table was a severely handicapped boy, probably around the age of 4 or 5. Due to the complexity of the wheelchair, it was clear this child had very little to no mobility of any of his limbs. At first glance this mom looked like every other labeler we had, just chatting with the person across the table from her as she worked. But then, something caught my eye.  I stopped and took notice: after she placed a label on each bag she lovingly reached over to her son’s clenched hand and gently placed it on top of the bag, then slid his hand from side to side to cover the label.  Lastly, she would add it to the “done” stack of bags and continue doing this again and again.

What I love so much about what we do at FMSC is that we are not just an organization about the bottom line, efficiency numbers or cost effectiveness. FMSC is first and foremost about the power of changing the life of ONE child at a time. Every child has a name. Every child has a story. Every child matters.

This mom could have potentially labeled twice as many bags had she not taken the time to allow her handicapped son to actively participate. One step further, she didn’t even have to bring him; she could have hired a babysitter and not had him there at all. But she did. The actions of this mom were a beautiful reflection of the same mission we have at FMSC. Her son has a name: Aaron*.  Her son has a story. It mattered that he was there because he had something to offer. This weekend, Aaron helped us reach our goal of packing one million meals!

I was honored to be a part of this event and inspired by incredible people like this mom doing incredible things for God with simple acts of love. Amen!  

(*Name changed for privacy purposes.)

Need Hope?

Hope. We all want it. We all use this word more than we realize. 

"Hope you have a great day."

"Hope you feel better soon." 

"Hope it works out for you."

But what is hope? The dictionary would state that it is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best". Does anyone else read this and feel like it falls flat? That's it? Maybe a little sprinkling of fairy dust and "something" just might happen? Don't you want more to rely on? Isn't the world in need of something bigger than a mere inkling or feeling? Can we rely or put our trust in to a best case scenario that may or may not actually happen? 

Naw. I am not inspired.

Hope is more than a simple sentiment. Hope is the certainty of something unimaginable, something we could not dream up on our own. Hope is the gift of nourishment and sustenance gently given in the exact portion needed to quench hunger. Hope is life giving water springing forth out of a ROCK satisfying an endless thirst. Hope is clearing barriers out of the way to create possibilities that are not humanly attainable. 

Hope is the power of God at work in our lives. It is more than a fleeting emotion but a promise by the creator of the universe. Hope is the Lord Jesus Christ. 

I hope you find Hope today. 

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him.” Romans 15:13

Image source: https://jewelcitychurch.org/2015/04/01/hope-floats/

Adoption: Will I choose love?

The brown eyes are larger than life. They have a depth beyond the boy’s  young age because of the poverty he endures, daily. He is hungry and forgotten by most of the world. There is a glimmer of optimism in his smile though. How could I not love him? I see that smile every day I walk in to work (Feed My Starving Children). I see the promise of hope. I know we are making a difference around the world.

But the kids that I see on the banner, magazines and pamphlets are easy to love. They do not sass me or question my authority. They do not complain when it’s bed time. They do not steal from me or lie. They are perfect and lovely, permanently adorned on the wall. However, it is the reality of an actual orphan brought in to our home (not a million miles away) that is not always fashionable and simple. Adoption is complicated.  Adoption is unpredictable. The daily life forces a test of all that I say I am. Will I sacrifice? Will I swallow my pride? Will I muster the grace? Will I choose love over everything else?

Love is effortless when it does not require much; however, the impact is shallow and short lived. Jesus set a better example. He humbled Himself, gave what no one else could give and did it without holding back.  The results are eternal. That divine love has changed me, changed who I strive to be. I am grateful. I am inspired. It is the only source of power that allows me to say, “Today, I will choose to love.”

Prayer: Lord, thank you for the unending love you extent to us. I want to learn to love like You love. Teach me and give me the strength to follow Your example. It is only by Your power that I can.  Amen.

Image source: http://fmscblog.com/from-the-field/pierre/

Forever Marked

I remember wanting to write it down. Reaching, digging through the desk, scraping around for a pencil. Not finding one, I reluctantly settled my hands upon a pen. I paused. With closer examination I frantically threw it back in the wasteland of writing utensils in the drawer. No, that just won’t do. I needed to write it down with permanent ink. I didn't want to forget; I wanted it forever marked somewhere to remind me of what I had seen, done, experienced. I didn't want to have this day go by and not remember.

Today is April 11th and they are seven years old now. There were three heartbeats, three precious children formed and brought to life. I was a surrogate and an eye witness to something indescribable. I no longer think I need a permanent marker. No one ever forgets a miracle!

Happy Birthday to the triplets!

My Prayer: Lord, today is an anniversary of just one of so many “impossible” things you have done. With every breathe I have been given I will praise You, Lord. My heart beats with continuous gratitude and awe! 

Image source taken from Google Images://loriromano.com/2012/01/07/excavation-2012-day-7-confessions-of-a-pen-whore/

One in a Million

I over heard two children talking:

Child 1: “Hey, look. The stars are out!”

Child 2: “Oh, yeah. I see that one.”

Child 1: certain he is the wiser of the two responds, “There are thousands of them, not just one.”

Child 2: pointing her finger to the sky with intention & determination, “I know. But I just see that ONE!”

_____________________________________________

Do you ever feel like you are just one of the masses? Are you caught in the cattle herd of culture and expectations, being pushed along by the masses? Does it feel like you are just plugging away trying not to get trampled on?  There are 7 billion people on this planet; do you know what makes you any different than anyone else?

Fact: in the midst of the multitude of people in the world, God knows YOU by name. He doesn’t just stop with your name. He knows where you have been, what you have done and everything you have been through. He knows the things heavy on your heart. He knows your fears; He knows your dreams. He knows everything about you and cares specifically for YOU! You stand out as ONE in a million to God, every minute of every day.

Now... you just have to believe it!

Image source: Google Images; stars in the sky 1. http://buyastar.biz/buy-a-star-in-the-sky/ 2. http://stevenkelleymusic.bandcamp.com/track/star-in-the-night-sky